Well, today is the day. Robbi finally did the enevitable and is having the lawyer draw up the papers for the divorce. I knew it was coming, so why is it so damn difficult to deal with? My life changes from here on. The kids lives as well. Charlotte will never remember living with her father. I dred even telling skylar the news.

So what do I do from here? I don’t know. I’ll move out when it is ok for me to do so, which in my mind never is ok. Time to figure out how to live your life single again. Robbi says she doesn’t want to hurt me, but then why is she giving the most hurt u could possible give someone? This sucks.

I have a timetable with my MS, I thought robbi would be there for me when I needed her. Nope, she wants no part and has told me so. What kind of person was I in love with.

Fuck this.

Well, the time is ticking until Robbi does the inevitable. She definitely has made a choice to push me aside and move on to find whatever it is that she thinks will make her happy. As of now, she has a husband who loves her more than life, who also loves his kids. I’m not sure what it is that is missing, and frankly, I don’t think she does either, she just believes happiness can’t possibly come from me.

It’s wrong.

She will find out in the future that everything she was looking for she had all along. It will be too late then, and it saddens me.

My life is being destroyed on someone else’s gamble. There isn’t anything I can do anymore but to move on and somehow find…well, I don’t know what I’m supposed to find. I had everything I ever wanted already. Anything in the future is a downgrade, for sure.

Maybe I can find someone who WANTS to love me, and WANTS to take care of me when my MS really takes a dive, and WANTS me for ME.

I’m sorry for not being what you wanted, Robbi.

Tick tock.

Some of the little things you do or say can be sooo amazing and heartwarming to some, yet go unnoticed by others. What causes this?

Simple compliments, paying for a dinner, sending flowers to a workplace can be seen as such great acts of kindness and caring to some, but yet “what you should do” by others and not get the attention of the act itself.

I just want those acts to be seen for what they are, and not what “should be done”, by the one person who I’m trying the hardest with.

I love putting smiles on other people’s faces. Why can’t I put one on yours?


Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

So today, I’m at my neurologist for my once every 8 week steroid treatment.  I walked into the infusion room at the same time as an older woman, maybe in mid to late 40s.  I walk in as I do most places, joking around and being goofy. 

As I walk in, with her and her husband behind me, I come in with authority and say, “We are here on our field trip.”  The nurses laugh, and the older woman is a bit taken back.  After all, I could tell, she is deathly afraid.  I precede to sit down, and as I am getting prepped for my IV, she begins to talk to the lady next to me of the procedure, and starts going over her ‘scripts and everything else.

I’m now intrigued. Her doctor suspects she “may” have M.S.

I begin to introduce myself, and ask what her MRIs looked like.  Brain was clean, but one spot on her spine.  Her doc wants to give her a full spine MRI or a spinal tap to confirm.  I tell her my story, and how my preliminary MRI were riddled with plaques/legions.

She is afraid.  I remember how I was when I first was diagnosed.  I wanted to soothe her thoughts, calm her down a bit.  So I did.  I explained what she may feel from the steroids, the side effects I have from them, and the overall positive things she wanted to hear.  She asked my opinions, and truly wanted me to share my thoughts and what happened to me in the beginning.  I obliged, and told her my whole story.  The double vision, the runarounds from different doctors and ER visits, the treatment 1 week before my wedding so I could see while on the alter.  Then the official diagnosis on October 27th, 2004.  My life changed.  We continued to talk, most about where she is from (ironically it was Westland).

Her drip was a longer and higher dose than mine, so I was getting unplugged.  I told her, “Keep your head high, even if it is M.S., its treatable and you can still live a normal life.”  I brought a ton of candy (steroid IV give you a rank taste in the mouth) and gave some to her, and the rest to the nurses to put in their “candy bowl”. 

As I put my put my coat on, she and her husband thanked me for my “kind words”.  I looked at her and them both and said, “Even if it is M.S., it just teaches you to live and love every day of your life, and you can become a better person for it.   Good luck with everything.”

As I walked down the hall, I realized she will never forget me.  I can’t remember where I put my shoes the day before, but I vividly remember that first I.V.  and the people I talked to who helped me through that hour of treatment. 

From the 20+ year old businessman who still still hikes and plays sports and does everything he used to and is treating his M.S. by taking Avonex and Tysabri (he was in the stage III trial), to the older 45 year old man who has had symptoms for 15 years before he got help, in which it was too late, but now takes chemo and can button his jeans again. 

I tell people all the time…Life is nothing but a series of rooms, and who we are in those rooms with make up the stories of our lives.  Don’t get stuck in the waiting room, make sure those rooms meaningful.

It’s hard for her, I know this and tell her I understand.  Last night, we went out, and I very much enjoyed her company.  She didn’t quite feel that way this morning, as she told me with tears.  I know all this is hard on her, but she has to understand it is so much harder for me, having to watch her crumble day after day when I am supposed to be giving her the support she needs.

I’m trying.

Worst part is, she has control over this, I just have to sit back and watch.  Do I give her space she wants?  Do I separate like she asked before?  Do I just put my ring on the table and tell her to stop hurting?  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, or even how to manage this in the meantime. 

I need to be strong for her.  For me.  I don’t know if I have another choice. 

Why is true love so difficult to obtain?  Maybe you think you have it, but if it’s one sided, is it really true?  Is it possible to make someone love you and stay by your side for better or worse?  After all, isn’t that what the papers say? 

I don’t know why this is happening to me.  Where did I go wrong?  Did I do wrong?  Building a good family has been a dream for me.  I love kids.  I love loving another person as much as I do.  Why can’t I make it real?  Can I?  I have gone through so much, don’t I deserve happiness?  What about me in all this?

Maybe it’s my disease.  That’s just one more burden she doesn’t want to deal with.  I don’t like being a burden on anyone.  I don’t want to be carried around anymore.  I need to change.  I need to love me first before she can really love me.  I’m not happy with my past flaws, and I’m praying they stay as “past flaws”. 

Who knows, it’s probably too late already.  I’m never going to find any one else as special as she.  I have to be prepared to live my life alone.  It’s not something I want, but I can’t make someone stay.  I hope she figures it all out, and I hope it’s in my favor.  I just don’t think it is.  I’m sure all he has to say is the words that he will care for her and her kids, and she is gone.  Just like that.  Everything ends.  Sad thing is that it’s not in my control.

For unspoken reasons, I no longer root for the Indianapolis Colts.

Tuesday, Jan 20th 2009.  A well qualified black president was elected to office (yay).  This same day, my favorite radio station, 1130am WDFN completely cut all local talent and went all national (booo).  Then I’m driving down the street the other day and see “Circuit City – Going out of business liquidation” (wtf?).  Seriously?  Circuit City?  Sony, first quarterly loss in 14 years…

I guess there is a point in everyone’s life that you can see the world changing.  I just wish I knew where it was going.  Are we being sucked into that much of a digital life that a very, very good radio station just gets axed?  Are brick and mortar stores going the way of the dodo bird? 

It’s seriously like you are standing in the eye of a tornado and watching everything around you being destroyed and you are just waiting for the shift of wind.  Circuit City was my electronics store of choice.  WDFN was my radio station of choice.  I seriously am starting to feel lost.  Jamie Samuelson (formerly WDFN mornings) got a job as sports anchor on RIF.  I guess in the morning I go there by default?

Sean, Stoney and Wojo…I hope you get a job locally,  I miss you already.  Circuit City will still exist in Canada, but forget international shipping. Barack…you have some work ahead of you, my friend…good luck and God speed.

So, in a few weeks, I turn 29.  It doesn’t seem that old until you see athletes and celebrities younger than your youngest brother (21).  After a while it starts to get creepy.  So be it.  Around this time of year, I’m asked what I want as a gift.  Year after year, I answer with the same…nothing.  I’m not really into birthdays anymore.  I’d probably forget about it if I wasn’t reminded.  Having a birthday on the “real” Columbus Day (not the Monday its celebrated on) makes it somewhat easy to remind myself, but I think I’ll take that Monday off this year to be with my wife for the morning and go to breakfast or something.


So what do I want?  Season 1 and 2 of Heroes, some Good Eats DVDs, new tires, 2 million dollars, a trip to Egypt, a Nissan GT-R.  Will I get any of these?  Nah, probably not, but you asked.  I tell you what, one think I would love is an all-day pass to a day spa for my wife.  Save it for after the baby, and let her just go unwind.  That would make me happy. 

Hi.  My name is Matt.  I’m addicted to watching Olympics.  Frankly, I can’t stop, nor do I want to.  Now that I have att’s uVerse, I get even MORE olympic channels.  Yes, the other day, I watched pingpong on the Mandarin Olympic channel, and badminton  on the Olympics Korean channel.  I didn’t care I had no clue what they were saying, I was watching competition.  Oh, did I mention I watched equestrian on Oxygen?

This olympic games are historical.  Michael Phelps’ 8 unprecedented golds got me watching, gymnastics keeps me interested (even though the Chinese cheat), and I enjoy anything else.  Yea, in 2 months, no one will be talking about it anymore, and I’m not sure people will even remember their names.  For these 2 weeks, I’m in the moment.  Even my daughter (5 yrs) who wants to learn how to “swing on the bars, and flip, and summersault in the air and land on my feet.”

We signed her up and she starts in 2 weeks.