All posts for the month October, 2010

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010.  I turned 31.  I awoke thinking this was going to be just another day.  I didn’t have a lot to celebrate about.  I drank my morning coffee, sat at my computer and did my normal morning routine (coffee, emails, etc).  There is a message waiting for me from “single9500” from a dating site I use.  She complimented my intelligence, my motivation, my general outlook on life and how I can continue to live life as positive as I do with everything wrong with me medically and such. 

So we trade emails back and forth.  I’m really interested, I want to learn more.  She ask me to grab a drink with me that Thursday.  I accept, and originally were going to meet at a park, but instead at last minute, she just gives in and has me meet her at her condo.  I txt her to come out, but realize I have to pee so lets me in to do so.  So I get out of my car, and before she leads me to where her bathroom is, we made eye contact, and I swear lightning struck my body.  The first look gave me immediate chills.

Undeniable connection. 

So she gives me an option.  We can just go for food and drinks like planned, or take a little “field trip” first.  I’m interested, I choose the field trip.  So we take a drive, and alone the drive she invites me into some painful parts of her past (sparing the details for her privacy).  Continuing our talk, we arrive at the bar.

She likes to talk, and I love to listen, and that’s what we did.  All the while I sat and listened, I became more and more amazed by her.  Although (for good reason) she was broken, she was perfectly broken.  Everything that broke her, make her the most wonderful woman I have met, possibly ever.  I hope she never changes what makes her “her”.  She was an amazing person who has endured a lot, and I was intrigued by the person who she had become.  I just sat and stared into her beautiful eyes and she pulled my heart closer and closer with every word.  Every once in a while, I would interrupt her sentence with a simple, “You’re pretty.”  Only thing is, the word pretty didn’t come close to doing her justice. 

As I’m writing this, picturing that day and those moments, I’m wiping the tears off my keyboard.  After a couple nights together, and more talking, with every moment, I realized I was closer to her, and felt stronger for her 10x more than the moment before.  There was so much more to learn, to share, to experience that I’m not sure I ever will get to.

We have a talk today, and after long thinking, she doesn’t think either of us are ready for the next level.  Kind of the opposite of what I was hoping for.  Part of me agrees in a way, but that doesn’t mean I have to lose all contact, or does it?  Every waking second the last two weeks, she has filled my mind with thoughts, trying to decide if she was right for me.  It’s just sad that the weekend I decide “yes, without a doubt”, she pulls the 180 and breaks it off. 

Fuck that hurt.

I can’t describe how she makes me feel.  I can’t stand being away from her for 3 minutes.  Maybe how we connected scared her, or maybe she is afraid of getting hurt again by somebody.  Why am I this hurt over someone who I barely know?  All I know is everything I did with her made me happy, and all of it felt like it was supposed to be happening.  The first night I stayed over, it felt like I had done it 1000 times, and I was comfortable being there.  It was a great feeling to be able to calm her the way I did just being there.  She did the same for me, and I loved it.

As a matter of fact, before I started writing this, I brought up a picture of her from the dating site.  Immediate tears.  I don’t want it to end like this.  Not because either of us did anything wrong, but a theory of “not now”.  I know what I felt, I know how she made me.  That’s not a theory feeling this much hurt.  There was something there, and I wanted it badly.  I miss her and I’ve only been away for 3 days since I last saw her.  I miss her soft kiss, that wonderful golden smile, her hypnotizing eyes.  I miss Leigh.

Maybe its not a finality.  Maybe when things settle, she will let me see her again, and maybe it will be right next time.  I hope so, because I can’t wait. 

Every once in a while, you meet a person who is broken, damaged, struck by the misfortune of others and God, over and over.  All this tears this person to shreds as she drowns in her own tears.  You look at this person and say, “Man sucks to be her.”

But…sometimes, as rare as only once in a lifetime, you meet a person with all this weight, who deep down you can see is one of the purest, kindhearted, beautiful beings in existence.  This person’s smile could melt the polar ice caps, eyes that have the power to burn right through to your soul and grab it in an instant.  Yet all of that is buried behind all of the pain and suffering.

What has she done to me?  How could she have pulled me so close without really trying?  What is it?  What do I do with her?  Is this how the universe works?  With every positive neutron, there is a negative and they pull together.  Yin and Yang. For every yes, there is a no.  There is pure chaos for each of us when we are apart, but brilliant calm when together.

Being the person I am, who by the way is the complete opposite, everything that is wrong with her just seems…right.  It all fits together.  All the past and damage and misfortune, comes together to form one of the most perfectly broken creatures to walk the earth.