Some thing made me happy, sad, angry, etc…

I do this to myself.  So, for the 3rd time in a couple years, I’ve let down my wall to let someone in.  This time, similar to the other 2, my timing couldn’t have been worse.  All three times, I’ve let someone in.  All three times, their hearts were with someone else.  Knowing this was the case with all 3, I pushed anyway.  Just like the previous others, I knew I would get hurt. 

Why do I do this to myself.  You know, there can possibly be someone who will fit.  Maybe not.  My clock is ticking.  I’m too old to spend the time looking.  I don’t know how many good quality years I have left.  I should just accept this path I have been given, prepare for the inevitable. 

‘Till the next time, back into my shell.  It will take something amazing I hope to get me back out. 

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010.  I turned 31.  I awoke thinking this was going to be just another day.  I didn’t have a lot to celebrate about.  I drank my morning coffee, sat at my computer and did my normal morning routine (coffee, emails, etc).  There is a message waiting for me from “single9500” from a dating site I use.  She complimented my intelligence, my motivation, my general outlook on life and how I can continue to live life as positive as I do with everything wrong with me medically and such. 

So we trade emails back and forth.  I’m really interested, I want to learn more.  She ask me to grab a drink with me that Thursday.  I accept, and originally were going to meet at a park, but instead at last minute, she just gives in and has me meet her at her condo.  I txt her to come out, but realize I have to pee so lets me in to do so.  So I get out of my car, and before she leads me to where her bathroom is, we made eye contact, and I swear lightning struck my body.  The first look gave me immediate chills.

Undeniable connection. 

So she gives me an option.  We can just go for food and drinks like planned, or take a little “field trip” first.  I’m interested, I choose the field trip.  So we take a drive, and alone the drive she invites me into some painful parts of her past (sparing the details for her privacy).  Continuing our talk, we arrive at the bar.

She likes to talk, and I love to listen, and that’s what we did.  All the while I sat and listened, I became more and more amazed by her.  Although (for good reason) she was broken, she was perfectly broken.  Everything that broke her, make her the most wonderful woman I have met, possibly ever.  I hope she never changes what makes her “her”.  She was an amazing person who has endured a lot, and I was intrigued by the person who she had become.  I just sat and stared into her beautiful eyes and she pulled my heart closer and closer with every word.  Every once in a while, I would interrupt her sentence with a simple, “You’re pretty.”  Only thing is, the word pretty didn’t come close to doing her justice. 

As I’m writing this, picturing that day and those moments, I’m wiping the tears off my keyboard.  After a couple nights together, and more talking, with every moment, I realized I was closer to her, and felt stronger for her 10x more than the moment before.  There was so much more to learn, to share, to experience that I’m not sure I ever will get to.

We have a talk today, and after long thinking, she doesn’t think either of us are ready for the next level.  Kind of the opposite of what I was hoping for.  Part of me agrees in a way, but that doesn’t mean I have to lose all contact, or does it?  Every waking second the last two weeks, she has filled my mind with thoughts, trying to decide if she was right for me.  It’s just sad that the weekend I decide “yes, without a doubt”, she pulls the 180 and breaks it off. 

Fuck that hurt.

I can’t describe how she makes me feel.  I can’t stand being away from her for 3 minutes.  Maybe how we connected scared her, or maybe she is afraid of getting hurt again by somebody.  Why am I this hurt over someone who I barely know?  All I know is everything I did with her made me happy, and all of it felt like it was supposed to be happening.  The first night I stayed over, it felt like I had done it 1000 times, and I was comfortable being there.  It was a great feeling to be able to calm her the way I did just being there.  She did the same for me, and I loved it.

As a matter of fact, before I started writing this, I brought up a picture of her from the dating site.  Immediate tears.  I don’t want it to end like this.  Not because either of us did anything wrong, but a theory of “not now”.  I know what I felt, I know how she made me.  That’s not a theory feeling this much hurt.  There was something there, and I wanted it badly.  I miss her and I’ve only been away for 3 days since I last saw her.  I miss her soft kiss, that wonderful golden smile, her hypnotizing eyes.  I miss Leigh.

Maybe its not a finality.  Maybe when things settle, she will let me see her again, and maybe it will be right next time.  I hope so, because I can’t wait. 

Some of the little things you do or say can be sooo amazing and heartwarming to some, yet go unnoticed by others. What causes this?

Simple compliments, paying for a dinner, sending flowers to a workplace can be seen as such great acts of kindness and caring to some, but yet “what you should do” by others and not get the attention of the act itself.

I just want those acts to be seen for what they are, and not what “should be done”, by the one person who I’m trying the hardest with.

I love putting smiles on other people’s faces. Why can’t I put one on yours?

So today, I’m at my neurologist for my once every 8 week steroid treatment.  I walked into the infusion room at the same time as an older woman, maybe in mid to late 40s.  I walk in as I do most places, joking around and being goofy. 

As I walk in, with her and her husband behind me, I come in with authority and say, “We are here on our field trip.”  The nurses laugh, and the older woman is a bit taken back.  After all, I could tell, she is deathly afraid.  I precede to sit down, and as I am getting prepped for my IV, she begins to talk to the lady next to me of the procedure, and starts going over her ‘scripts and everything else.

I’m now intrigued. Her doctor suspects she “may” have M.S.

I begin to introduce myself, and ask what her MRIs looked like.  Brain was clean, but one spot on her spine.  Her doc wants to give her a full spine MRI or a spinal tap to confirm.  I tell her my story, and how my preliminary MRI were riddled with plaques/legions.

She is afraid.  I remember how I was when I first was diagnosed.  I wanted to soothe her thoughts, calm her down a bit.  So I did.  I explained what she may feel from the steroids, the side effects I have from them, and the overall positive things she wanted to hear.  She asked my opinions, and truly wanted me to share my thoughts and what happened to me in the beginning.  I obliged, and told her my whole story.  The double vision, the runarounds from different doctors and ER visits, the treatment 1 week before my wedding so I could see while on the alter.  Then the official diagnosis on October 27th, 2004.  My life changed.  We continued to talk, most about where she is from (ironically it was Westland).

Her drip was a longer and higher dose than mine, so I was getting unplugged.  I told her, “Keep your head high, even if it is M.S., its treatable and you can still live a normal life.”  I brought a ton of candy (steroid IV give you a rank taste in the mouth) and gave some to her, and the rest to the nurses to put in their “candy bowl”. 

As I put my put my coat on, she and her husband thanked me for my “kind words”.  I looked at her and them both and said, “Even if it is M.S., it just teaches you to live and love every day of your life, and you can become a better person for it.   Good luck with everything.”

As I walked down the hall, I realized she will never forget me.  I can’t remember where I put my shoes the day before, but I vividly remember that first I.V.  and the people I talked to who helped me through that hour of treatment. 

From the 20+ year old businessman who still still hikes and plays sports and does everything he used to and is treating his M.S. by taking Avonex and Tysabri (he was in the stage III trial), to the older 45 year old man who has had symptoms for 15 years before he got help, in which it was too late, but now takes chemo and can button his jeans again. 

I tell people all the time…Life is nothing but a series of rooms, and who we are in those rooms with make up the stories of our lives.  Don’t get stuck in the waiting room, make sure those rooms meaningful.

Tuesday, Jan 20th 2009.  A well qualified black president was elected to office (yay).  This same day, my favorite radio station, 1130am WDFN completely cut all local talent and went all national (booo).  Then I’m driving down the street the other day and see “Circuit City – Going out of business liquidation” (wtf?).  Seriously?  Circuit City?  Sony, first quarterly loss in 14 years…

I guess there is a point in everyone’s life that you can see the world changing.  I just wish I knew where it was going.  Are we being sucked into that much of a digital life that a very, very good radio station just gets axed?  Are brick and mortar stores going the way of the dodo bird? 

It’s seriously like you are standing in the eye of a tornado and watching everything around you being destroyed and you are just waiting for the shift of wind.  Circuit City was my electronics store of choice.  WDFN was my radio station of choice.  I seriously am starting to feel lost.  Jamie Samuelson (formerly WDFN mornings) got a job as sports anchor on RIF.  I guess in the morning I go there by default?

Sean, Stoney and Wojo…I hope you get a job locally,  I miss you already.  Circuit City will still exist in Canada, but forget international shipping. Barack…you have some work ahead of you, my friend…good luck and God speed.

OK, I’m going to try the blog thing again..why?  Boredom for one, and sometime I just need to vent.  So I’m starting this back up again.  My old blog is archived on diary.1630studios.com for reference.

First subject of chatter…G*DAMN JURY DUTY.  I understand people have to do it, just WHY is it always at the most inconvenient time.  I hope I don’t get selected, but a small part of me wants to be.  I used to sit in on court cases in Pittsburgh while going to school and it was intriguing.  Being selected would mean I put Ryan in a bad spot this week at a very busy time. 

I’ll probably post more later when I get some more time, Sky is getting ready for Sesame Street Live.

Ok, my life sucks ass right now, let me explain why!!

Yes, I did get let go from my weekend job because of getting screwed by my kitchen manager. I have no money so I have spent like $800 of my father’s money because I havent had a weekend paycheck in a month.

I went to the GI last week and my symptoms were “too vague” to diagnose me, so I have to get an ultrasound and blood work done. As if I haven’t had enough of doctors.

A side effect of my shots is depression, which I may be developing even though I think its just stress, but alot of people have noticed a change in me lately. Good one more F’ing pill to take.

Damn shit ass fuck piss.

Yea, I need a vacation. I’m so worked lately that everyday, I can’t stand not being with my wife and kid. It actually is depressing me a little. It could be the Avonex doing that to me too, but I’d like to believe the latter.

I’ve been missing my wife so much, that I don’t even think about getting on my nightly videogames, I just want to hang out with her, even if it is just laying in bed and watching TV. I even sent her some pretty expensive flowers at work on Monday, even though I know I don’t have the money to do so.

Aside from a vacation, I need a change in my life as well. Whether it be a new job, another child, whatever. I think that will help my gloomyness lately also. Who knows, maybe a vacation is the end all cure all.

Time will tell.