One of the hardest things you can do as a human, is to give good advise objectively without any benefit to your own feelings.  Let me site an example…

Let’s say you are madly in love with someone, yet she is in love with someone else.  When she comes to you as a friend, you have to curb all those feelings and try and explain why she is in a good situation with someone who appears wants to be a part of her life, and why she should explore the feeling she has with him.

It’s so hard, knowing and thinking that he probably is no where as good for her as I am in my belief.  That’s me wanting to believe that I’m am better and she should choose me!  That said, he is doing everything right, so he is doing good for her, and in that aspect, he is better for her because she likes him and is doing good in the words and choices he is making for THEM.  

Maybe this is the definition of what a good friend is.  Someone who can put aside all emotion and feeling, and truly give positive feedback and opinion on what you believe is right for that friend.  I’m such a small, insignificant part of her life right now, that it gives me at least that little joy to be able to give her something…anything…without any thought of how it may or may not effect me. 

It makes me feel…well…good and give me that little spec of significance.  “You always will be put first, no matter what, and regardless of how that opinion goes against what I want. 

Maybe this is what love really is.  It’s nice to be able to feel that way, and to give what I can, because her happiness becomes my happiness.  I’ll hang on to that and keep up with that idea as long as I humanly can or until she tell me to stop. 

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010.  I turned 31.  I awoke thinking this was going to be just another day.  I didn’t have a lot to celebrate about.  I drank my morning coffee, sat at my computer and did my normal morning routine (coffee, emails, etc).  There is a message waiting for me from “single9500” from a dating site I use.  She complimented my intelligence, my motivation, my general outlook on life and how I can continue to live life as positive as I do with everything wrong with me medically and such. 

So we trade emails back and forth.  I’m really interested, I want to learn more.  She ask me to grab a drink with me that Thursday.  I accept, and originally were going to meet at a park, but instead at last minute, she just gives in and has me meet her at her condo.  I txt her to come out, but realize I have to pee so lets me in to do so.  So I get out of my car, and before she leads me to where her bathroom is, we made eye contact, and I swear lightning struck my body.  The first look gave me immediate chills.

Undeniable connection. 

So she gives me an option.  We can just go for food and drinks like planned, or take a little “field trip” first.  I’m interested, I choose the field trip.  So we take a drive, and alone the drive she invites me into some painful parts of her past (sparing the details for her privacy).  Continuing our talk, we arrive at the bar.

She likes to talk, and I love to listen, and that’s what we did.  All the while I sat and listened, I became more and more amazed by her.  Although (for good reason) she was broken, she was perfectly broken.  Everything that broke her, make her the most wonderful woman I have met, possibly ever.  I hope she never changes what makes her “her”.  She was an amazing person who has endured a lot, and I was intrigued by the person who she had become.  I just sat and stared into her beautiful eyes and she pulled my heart closer and closer with every word.  Every once in a while, I would interrupt her sentence with a simple, “You’re pretty.”  Only thing is, the word pretty didn’t come close to doing her justice. 

As I’m writing this, picturing that day and those moments, I’m wiping the tears off my keyboard.  After a couple nights together, and more talking, with every moment, I realized I was closer to her, and felt stronger for her 10x more than the moment before.  There was so much more to learn, to share, to experience that I’m not sure I ever will get to.

We have a talk today, and after long thinking, she doesn’t think either of us are ready for the next level.  Kind of the opposite of what I was hoping for.  Part of me agrees in a way, but that doesn’t mean I have to lose all contact, or does it?  Every waking second the last two weeks, she has filled my mind with thoughts, trying to decide if she was right for me.  It’s just sad that the weekend I decide “yes, without a doubt”, she pulls the 180 and breaks it off. 

Fuck that hurt.

I can’t describe how she makes me feel.  I can’t stand being away from her for 3 minutes.  Maybe how we connected scared her, or maybe she is afraid of getting hurt again by somebody.  Why am I this hurt over someone who I barely know?  All I know is everything I did with her made me happy, and all of it felt like it was supposed to be happening.  The first night I stayed over, it felt like I had done it 1000 times, and I was comfortable being there.  It was a great feeling to be able to calm her the way I did just being there.  She did the same for me, and I loved it.

As a matter of fact, before I started writing this, I brought up a picture of her from the dating site.  Immediate tears.  I don’t want it to end like this.  Not because either of us did anything wrong, but a theory of “not now”.  I know what I felt, I know how she made me.  That’s not a theory feeling this much hurt.  There was something there, and I wanted it badly.  I miss her and I’ve only been away for 3 days since I last saw her.  I miss her soft kiss, that wonderful golden smile, her hypnotizing eyes.  I miss Leigh.

Maybe its not a finality.  Maybe when things settle, she will let me see her again, and maybe it will be right next time.  I hope so, because I can’t wait. 

Every once in a while, you meet a person who is broken, damaged, struck by the misfortune of others and God, over and over.  All this tears this person to shreds as she drowns in her own tears.  You look at this person and say, “Man sucks to be her.”

But…sometimes, as rare as only once in a lifetime, you meet a person with all this weight, who deep down you can see is one of the purest, kindhearted, beautiful beings in existence.  This person’s smile could melt the polar ice caps, eyes that have the power to burn right through to your soul and grab it in an instant.  Yet all of that is buried behind all of the pain and suffering.

What has she done to me?  How could she have pulled me so close without really trying?  What is it?  What do I do with her?  Is this how the universe works?  With every positive neutron, there is a negative and they pull together.  Yin and Yang. For every yes, there is a no.  There is pure chaos for each of us when we are apart, but brilliant calm when together.

Being the person I am, who by the way is the complete opposite, everything that is wrong with her just seems…right.  It all fits together.  All the past and damage and misfortune, comes together to form one of the most perfectly broken creatures to walk the earth.


Well, today is the day. Robbi finally did the enevitable and is having the lawyer draw up the papers for the divorce. I knew it was coming, so why is it so damn difficult to deal with? My life changes from here on. The kids lives as well. Charlotte will never remember living with her father. I dred even telling skylar the news.

So what do I do from here? I don’t know. I’ll move out when it is ok for me to do so, which in my mind never is ok. Time to figure out how to live your life single again. Robbi says she doesn’t want to hurt me, but then why is she giving the most hurt u could possible give someone? This sucks.

I have a timetable with my MS, I thought robbi would be there for me when I needed her. Nope, she wants no part and has told me so. What kind of person was I in love with.

Fuck this.

Well, the time is ticking until Robbi does the inevitable. She definitely has made a choice to push me aside and move on to find whatever it is that she thinks will make her happy. As of now, she has a husband who loves her more than life, who also loves his kids. I’m not sure what it is that is missing, and frankly, I don’t think she does either, she just believes happiness can’t possibly come from me.

It’s wrong.

She will find out in the future that everything she was looking for she had all along. It will be too late then, and it saddens me.

My life is being destroyed on someone else’s gamble. There isn’t anything I can do anymore but to move on and somehow find…well, I don’t know what I’m supposed to find. I had everything I ever wanted already. Anything in the future is a downgrade, for sure.

Maybe I can find someone who WANTS to love me, and WANTS to take care of me when my MS really takes a dive, and WANTS me for ME.

I’m sorry for not being what you wanted, Robbi.

Tick tock.


Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

It’s hard for her, I know this and tell her I understand.  Last night, we went out, and I very much enjoyed her company.  She didn’t quite feel that way this morning, as she told me with tears.  I know all this is hard on her, but she has to understand it is so much harder for me, having to watch her crumble day after day when I am supposed to be giving her the support she needs.

I’m trying.

Worst part is, she has control over this, I just have to sit back and watch.  Do I give her space she wants?  Do I separate like she asked before?  Do I just put my ring on the table and tell her to stop hurting?  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, or even how to manage this in the meantime. 

I need to be strong for her.  For me.  I don’t know if I have another choice. 

Why is true love so difficult to obtain?  Maybe you think you have it, but if it’s one sided, is it really true?  Is it possible to make someone love you and stay by your side for better or worse?  After all, isn’t that what the papers say? 

I don’t know why this is happening to me.  Where did I go wrong?  Did I do wrong?  Building a good family has been a dream for me.  I love kids.  I love loving another person as much as I do.  Why can’t I make it real?  Can I?  I have gone through so much, don’t I deserve happiness?  What about me in all this?

Maybe it’s my disease.  That’s just one more burden she doesn’t want to deal with.  I don’t like being a burden on anyone.  I don’t want to be carried around anymore.  I need to change.  I need to love me first before she can really love me.  I’m not happy with my past flaws, and I’m praying they stay as “past flaws”. 

Who knows, it’s probably too late already.  I’m never going to find any one else as special as she.  I have to be prepared to live my life alone.  It’s not something I want, but I can’t make someone stay.  I hope she figures it all out, and I hope it’s in my favor.  I just don’t think it is.  I’m sure all he has to say is the words that he will care for her and her kids, and she is gone.  Just like that.  Everything ends.  Sad thing is that it’s not in my control.

For unspoken reasons, I no longer root for the Indianapolis Colts.

So, in a few weeks, I turn 29.  It doesn’t seem that old until you see athletes and celebrities younger than your youngest brother (21).  After a while it starts to get creepy.  So be it.  Around this time of year, I’m asked what I want as a gift.  Year after year, I answer with the same…nothing.  I’m not really into birthdays anymore.  I’d probably forget about it if I wasn’t reminded.  Having a birthday on the “real” Columbus Day (not the Monday its celebrated on) makes it somewhat easy to remind myself, but I think I’ll take that Monday off this year to be with my wife for the morning and go to breakfast or something.


So what do I want?  Season 1 and 2 of Heroes, some Good Eats DVDs, new tires, 2 million dollars, a trip to Egypt, a Nissan GT-R.  Will I get any of these?  Nah, probably not, but you asked.  I tell you what, one think I would love is an all-day pass to a day spa for my wife.  Save it for after the baby, and let her just go unwind.  That would make me happy. 

Hi.  My name is Matt.  I’m addicted to watching Olympics.  Frankly, I can’t stop, nor do I want to.  Now that I have att’s uVerse, I get even MORE olympic channels.  Yes, the other day, I watched pingpong on the Mandarin Olympic channel, and badminton  on the Olympics Korean channel.  I didn’t care I had no clue what they were saying, I was watching competition.  Oh, did I mention I watched equestrian on Oxygen?

This olympic games are historical.  Michael Phelps’ 8 unprecedented golds got me watching, gymnastics keeps me interested (even though the Chinese cheat), and I enjoy anything else.  Yea, in 2 months, no one will be talking about it anymore, and I’m not sure people will even remember their names.  For these 2 weeks, I’m in the moment.  Even my daughter (5 yrs) who wants to learn how to “swing on the bars, and flip, and summersault in the air and land on my feet.”

We signed her up and she starts in 2 weeks.