Tuesday, October 12th, 2010. I turned 31. I awoke thinking this was going to be just another day. I didn\u2019t have a lot to celebrate about. I drank my morning coffee, sat at my computer and did my normal morning routine (coffee, emails, etc). There is a message waiting for me from \u201csingle9500\u201d from a dating site I use. She complimented my intelligence, my motivation, my general outlook on life and how I can continue to live life as positive as I do with everything wrong with me medically and such. <\/p>\n
So we trade emails back and forth. I\u2019m really interested, I want to learn more. She ask me to grab a drink with me that Thursday. I accept, and originally were going to meet at a park, but instead at last minute, she just gives in and has me meet her at her condo. I txt her to come out, but realize I have to pee so lets me in to do so. So I get out of my car, and before she leads me to where her bathroom is, we made eye contact, and I swear lightning struck my body. The first look gave me immediate chills.<\/p>\n
Undeniable connection. <\/p>\n
So she gives me an option. We can just go for food and drinks like planned, or take a little \u201cfield trip\u201d first. I\u2019m interested, I choose the field trip. So we take a drive, and alone the drive she invites me into some painful parts of her past (sparing the details for her privacy). Continuing our talk, we arrive at the bar.<\/p>\n
She likes to talk, and I love to listen, and that\u2019s what we did. All the while I sat and listened, I became more and more amazed by her. Although (for good reason) she was broken, she was perfectly broken. Everything that broke her, make her the most wonderful woman I have met, possibly ever. I hope she never changes what makes her \u201cher\u201d. She was an amazing person who has endured a lot, and I was intrigued by the person who she had become. I just sat and stared into her beautiful eyes and she pulled my heart closer and closer with every word. Every once in a while, I would interrupt her sentence with a simple, \u201cYou\u2019re pretty.\u201d Only thing is, the word pretty didn\u2019t come close to doing her justice. <\/p>\n
As I\u2019m writing this, picturing that day and those moments, I\u2019m wiping the tears off my keyboard. After a couple nights together, and more talking, with every moment, I realized I was closer to her, and felt stronger for her 10x more than the moment before. There was so much more to learn, to share, to experience that I\u2019m not sure I ever will get to.<\/p>\n
We have a talk today, and after long thinking, she doesn\u2019t think either of us are ready for the next level. Kind of the opposite of what I was hoping for. Part of me agrees in a way, but that doesn\u2019t mean I have to lose all contact, or does it? Every waking second the last two weeks, she has filled my mind with thoughts, trying to decide if she was right for me. It\u2019s just sad that the weekend I decide \u201cyes, without a doubt\u201d, she pulls the 180 and breaks it off. <\/p>\n
Fuck that hurt.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t describe how she makes me feel. I can\u2019t stand being away from her for 3 minutes. Maybe how we connected scared her, or maybe she is afraid of getting hurt again by somebody. Why am I this hurt over someone who I barely know? All I know is everything I did with her made me happy, and all of it felt like it was supposed to be happening. The first night I stayed over, it felt like I had done it 1000 times, and I was comfortable being there. It was a great feeling to be able to calm her the way I did just being there. She did the same for me, and I loved it.<\/p>\n
As a matter of fact, before I started writing this, I brought up a picture of her from the dating site. Immediate tears. I don\u2019t want it to end like this. Not because either of us did anything wrong, but a theory of \u201cnot now\u201d. I know what I felt, I know how she made me. That\u2019s not a theory feeling this much hurt. There was something there, and I wanted it badly. I miss her and I\u2019ve only been away for 3 days since I last saw her. I miss her soft kiss, that wonderful golden smile, her hypnotizing eyes. I miss Leigh.<\/p>\n
Maybe its not a finality. Maybe when things settle, she will let me see her again, and maybe it will be right next time. I hope so, because I can\u2019t wait. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Tuesday, October 12th, 2010. I turned 31. I awoke thinking this was going to be just another day. I didn\u2019t have a lot to celebrate about. I drank my morning coffee, sat at my computer and did my normal morning routine (coffee, emails, etc). There is a message waiting for me from \u201csingle9500\u201d from a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-177","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-emotion","category-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=177"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=177"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=177"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patientsurvivingpatience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=177"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}